Dispair...

Lord be my refuge in this time of weary anguish.

Lord be my strength in this time of woe.

Please guide me and make my heart steadfast on you so that I will not slip into the abyss that so many times has claimed me. I feel my heart dropping and my eyes fill with tears.

I feel my whole being slowly dieing in a mass of depression and shame. I fell as a failure, as nothing again, my accomplishments are nothing, they lay waste before me in a pile of regret and lies. Or is it failure, or just that I can not see what you see at your vantage point?

I try but my attempts go unrealized, I fight against the coming threat of sadness, but I am weak. I have cried out many times, but I feel the wall once again rising between us and your voice once again fading into a whisper that is slowly strangled by my own despair and exhaustion.

I thought this was where you wanted me, I thought I was following the open doors, but maybe I am a fool, maybe I see openings where there are none. Maybe I am so wrong that I can fail at a moment's notice into a pit that only you could remove me.

I am fighting the regrets, seeing what I thought as right to be wrong. The "maybe's" overrun my mind with thoughts of foolishness.

Why? There is a question that haunts me, that drills on my head finding soft and new skin to penetrate and scar. I feel the pain of it's sting even now as I ponder what I have done. Have I failed you, have I failed my family? Will we once again find ourselves in the pit that we have escaped from, only with your help, several times before. This time, my fault, my lack of wisdom has brought us here.

Lord, help me. Please, help US.

If I need to fall, let it not hit my family. I despise what I see in the mirror. Why am I here? Why did I bring my family here? Why did I think I could be what I am not?

What am I to do?

Help, please.......