Again?!

One of THE most difficult things to do in life is to keep going when you really don't have any desire, no reason, no motivation to keep going. There have been times, like right now, that I have to look at how things are going right now and try to discern whether or not these "happenings" are just life, god telling me something, or simply life abusing me....lol! Just kidding about the abuse thing, it's not really that, it just FEELS like it at times.

Just like leaving a family of friends and people I had grown very close to, the steps leading up to that were quite similar to what has been going on at this new job of mine. I can't tell right now if I should simply last through it, fight tooth and nail, or as graciously as I can, bow out and seek what the next adventure is that God wants me to experience. Whether we were supposed to step out of our church and go where God wanted us to go was painfully obvious, and I mean that literally, after I was stubborn enough to dig in my heels against God's will. Here, it's not so clear.

Things are difficult and I have to admit, my last bits and pieces of ego and self-esteem have all but been beat to a pulp. There have been mistakes I have made that I KNOW I should have caught. Now there have been some other things happen which I have sat here trying desperately to figure out how they happened. It's doesn't make sense. Not at all.

So here I am, confused, which I know is not of God....frustrated, which I know is not of God.....and overwhelmed, which I know is also not of God. It's a situation where I want to throw my hands in the air and tell my boss I give up. I know that's what I have to do with it as far as God is concerned. I have to hand it over to Him.

Will I hear Him this time? Will I get the message without having to go through all the pain I  had to go through before?

Lord, please help me in this. Direct me, guide me, give me the wisdom enough to not hit my head against yet another wall over and over again.

I know you got me this job, is it time to leave already? Even though it means putting my family in financial jeopardy, I will leave if that is what you want me to do. If I am to stay, make it obvious to me, please. I'm just not that smart! LOL!