Goodbye Church

Ya know, its sad. Very sad. Unfortunately at this point it's true. I can understand and identify with those who have been so abused and hurt by those in the church that they would never set foot in one again. I've gotten so close that it feels I might never be able to do it myself.

Over and over again we have been slandered, taken advantage of, lied to, verbally beat up, manipulated, used, scorned, accused based upon gossip, hear-say, false information and rejected for trying to do the right thing and do what we see God telling us to do.

These people who have claimed to be my "friends' use scripture against me that they do not hold themselves to, nor do they encourage others to live by either. These "trusted" individuals that put themselves on pedestals of arrogance, do things in the name of God, yet look for any opportunity to profit. I was told from one that God had told him to do something, then this same person attempted to hold this thing over my head as me "owing" him something. My thought...."I thought God told you to do this? If not, then you did it for yourself with God's money and He will deal with you on this."

Now, my family has been falsely accused and threatened with being slandered across the churches here in my town. Is this Christ's love shining though? Is this the proper application of Matthew 18? Is this what the Bible says, do what we, man, says "or else"?! They talk of Matthew 18, yet not one of our "accusers" have followed it. Not one has attempted to contact us, not one. So, should i submit to this mockery of, as they put it, "correction and restoration"? I don't think so.

So, yes, I can understand why people leave the church, completely, totally, never to set foot in one again. I understand that hurt, devastation, cruelty and malice. I can also understand my aunt when she said that "the church is the only organization that EATS it's wounded"! Te saying that I heard just recently rings true in this case - "The church would be great if it weren't for the people". Wow, that really hurts to see and feel that.

Right now I feel I can trust no one. I guess that's true.

Again?!

One of THE most difficult things to do in life is to keep going when you really don't have any desire, no reason, no motivation to keep going. There have been times, like right now, that I have to look at how things are going right now and try to discern whether or not these "happenings" are just life, god telling me something, or simply life abusing me....lol! Just kidding about the abuse thing, it's not really that, it just FEELS like it at times.

Just like leaving a family of friends and people I had grown very close to, the steps leading up to that were quite similar to what has been going on at this new job of mine. I can't tell right now if I should simply last through it, fight tooth and nail, or as graciously as I can, bow out and seek what the next adventure is that God wants me to experience. Whether we were supposed to step out of our church and go where God wanted us to go was painfully obvious, and I mean that literally, after I was stubborn enough to dig in my heels against God's will. Here, it's not so clear.

Things are difficult and I have to admit, my last bits and pieces of ego and self-esteem have all but been beat to a pulp. There have been mistakes I have made that I KNOW I should have caught. Now there have been some other things happen which I have sat here trying desperately to figure out how they happened. It's doesn't make sense. Not at all.

So here I am, confused, which I know is not of God....frustrated, which I know is not of God.....and overwhelmed, which I know is also not of God. It's a situation where I want to throw my hands in the air and tell my boss I give up. I know that's what I have to do with it as far as God is concerned. I have to hand it over to Him.

Will I hear Him this time? Will I get the message without having to go through all the pain I  had to go through before?

Lord, please help me in this. Direct me, guide me, give me the wisdom enough to not hit my head against yet another wall over and over again.

I know you got me this job, is it time to leave already? Even though it means putting my family in financial jeopardy, I will leave if that is what you want me to do. If I am to stay, make it obvious to me, please. I'm just not that smart! LOL!

What should I do?

It's aggravating when I find myself stumbling across something that I know is bad for someone else. I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but working with people and their computers I stumble across a lot of things that really disturb me. I find pictures that they should never have been looking at, conversation these people should never have been having and all of this I hate to say I discover in the few moments that it takes me to realize what I am looking at and close whatever t is I am obviously not supposed to see. I guess god feels that way at times. He's privy to everything, I mean EVERYTHING in our lives. Every time we make the wrong decision, He is there. He offers us advice through others and His word, but we stil pull the stunts that we do. When I discover this type of stuff it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don't talk about it, I don't discuss it, I say nothing. I know that I should, but these people are trusting me to not look at what I shouldn't. In fat there have been times that I have had to sign agreements that do not allow me to discuss what I "may" see with anyone, including letting the people who own the computer know I have seen whatever it is. My family bought a used computer from a guy who did real estate stuff for people. I won't even pretend to understand what it was I saw, but I had the names, addresses, phone numbers, financial records, and in some cases social security numbers as well for people that this moron had done business with. He hadn't even gone through and cleaned the hard drive off. AMAZING! Makes me feel real good about anyone having a laptop or computer at home that they use for work.

Anyway, I don't know how I got here, but it's tough to see what I have seen and then struggle with whether or not I should say anything.

The Ultimate in Bachelor Laziness.....LOL!

You know, having a bachelor in the house one gets a first hand look at the amount of laziness a bachelor exudes. It's amazing how little they want to do, how little they will do, if they can get away with it. It also get's pretty painful on the senses on how little they will bathe and take care of themselves physically.

Take a shower once in a while! You'll get more dates that way!!

Now I have seen many people taking advantage of the "bachelor" lifestyle in the past, but this one takes the cake. I have never seen anyone taking more advantage of the laziness of bachelors that Manpacks.com. The whole idea is so disturbing to me. I had to admit when I heard about it I couldn't stop laughing because I didn't think it was serious. Then I found out it was and I laughed harder. then it hit me, the real ramifications of this......

Okay, so here's the concept.....A guy can have t-shirts, socks and underwear delivered to his house, in the quantity or package he wants, every three months. Now I would hope that during this period of time the bachelor would take the time to wash them. But, as I have seen many times, this is most likely something that few will do with the prospect of more coming in the mail soon.

Here's what is even more disturbing to me though...what are they going to do with the other underwear, and I'm speaking generally now, that they are "finished" with? Where are all of these pairs of dirty socks, t-shirts that have the aroma of death and underwear, that I won't go into describing, going to end up? I mean, I thought the landfill smelled bad now! What will happen when all this goes on and these guys take advantage of this service?

I know, I know, it probably doesn't work that way, and most would only use it if they were destroying clothes on a monthly basis. But still, you have to know there will be some that will think; "Why wash, when I can just get new ones?"

Well, there's your disturbing thought for the day. Have a great one!

Laugh often!

Collaborate on Google!

Here's my first shameless plug for Google. I have become a Google-a-holic of late, simply because of the amazing tools, applications and capabilities that Google has released out there. If you're not already doing it, you might want to find out what Google has to offer. These folks are already worrying Microsoft. I like that...LOL!

I talk to people everyday who are dying for a good collaboration tool. they look the internet over and see so many solutions at outrageous prices, that it completely and totally turns them off to every getting a good one. they get off the idea and go back the way they were doing things before. Now there are some good systems out there, but most people in my position where funds are lacking and the thought of having to update my computer to handle the new capabilities is more than a little daunting. Being a Googlite like myslef, I've found the solution.

Most of the time we are looking for a way to collaborate on documents. This is easily accomplished with Google Documents. It's a free service they have available for anyone with a Google account. One can create a document and then easily share it out with anyone else that has a Google account. there are some solutions for people who don't have Google accounts, but it's less secure. The collaboration tools in Google Docs is amazing. you can actually have two or more people editing the same document at the same time. Pretty cool, huh? And with the built-in chat feature you can keep up with the others editing or update someone who had just "joined" you in editing the document.

So, take a look at Google Documents. It's got some great features, great compatibility, fast, easy and the price is right....FREE!

Life as an adventure...............

There are times when I have to stop and think really hard about my circumstances and where I am at in life.

Right now I am over forty, I have two kids in their teens, in fact one in her late teens....YIKES! And I am in a job that barely would pay the rent, I have my wife's youngest brother living with us to help support us, as well as one of our cousins and her son, while her husband is deployed to Afghanistan. Again, this is really helping us to do more than survive. I am greatly thankful for all of this. This is not at all what I had imagined for myself at this time of my life. I thought I would be much more stable and have that "Dream job" that I had always wanted. Well, life doesn't always work that way, in fact, the longer I live the more I see that life doesn't work that way for most people. We will have opportunities from time to time to get ahead financially, or have a great family year with adventures and time together, or maybe even get a taste of that dream job for a few years. All of this is great, but when it comes right down to it, I have learned to train my mind to be content.

You know I heard the question "If nothing ever changed again in your life, would you be able to say to God, honestly, I am content, this is okay, I can exist here. I will tell you, up until pretty recient, I would not have been able to do that. I would not have been able to say, that it is okay of nothing ever changed.

 Now, I can say that I am much more trusting of God, I am much more content with my situation at home and I am getting better and better about my work situation as well. Granted I have to admit that I am not "satisfied" yet with my job as it is, but it does put food on the table and keeps us from being on the street. I am blessed and it's just another opportunity to be humbled and be prepared for whatever God has for me next.

Now I do have an opportunity that is presenting itself to me to move into another, and completely foriegn, area of work. I am both excited and nervous about it. Nover been in this area and was never really sure if it was an area I could ever survive in. But now here it is, it has great potential, great opportunity, and could turn out to be another huge bust if things do not pan out. But I will do as I have been, truest that God knows what's happening, He will guide me and He directs my path.

What an adventure life has become!

Contenment

You know there have been many time in the past that I have had great jobs. I am talking about dream type jobs that make other people jealous and e sit in great contentment.....well, at least they should have. Many times I have been so blessed with amazing jobs that I could have stayed in for the rest of my life and been quite happy. But I wasn't then. Isn't it sad that no matter what we get in to and what God blesses us with we have to find some sort of reason to be unhappy in it. No matter what. Each one of those "dream jobs" of mine I found something to complain about to the point I was ready to jump ship about. Sad, rally sad.

What I am trying to do now is look at ANY opportunity that I am presented with as a major blessing from God and I have to choose to be glad in it. No matter what the case. you see, I have been out of work for over six months and now I am in a a job that, based on my previous experience, pays me an insulting amount an hour, doesn't utilize ANY of my talents and abilities that I've spent the last twenty years developing, BUT.....God blessed me with it. It's positive income, a chance for me to show my appreciation to Him and be content in a tough situation.

Right now I am working on several opportunities to bring in a steady income. With today's economy, the state of the company I work for right now, it's good that I have other possibilities in the wings. I am hoping and praying that these will come to fruition. These other opportunities would allow me to work from home and spend time with my family and focus more on ministry.

I thank God for my house and the wonderful family I have.

Texas

You know I don't have anything specifically against Texas, I just have definite feelings on what I have observed here. You see, I'm an outsider looking into what I can see as almost a foreign land. This is not just a weather thing, it's a cultural thing as well.

The whole vibe here is much more "California-like" than any other state I have been in. It's a fast-paced, get out of my way attitude state that people are in a hurry to get somewhere, wherever it is they are going, no matter what time it is. Why are people in such a hurry? And the driving.......oh dear!

People drive like they are the only ones on the road. Its insane!! No wonder these people have caused so many problems when a bunch of them moved to the Springs. Good night! It's like a bunch of senior citizens ignoring the fact that they are on the road with the entire population of New York!!

Every time we have to go from work to the hotel, or vice-versa, I fear for my life! LOL!

Then we have the "scenery"....at least what there is to it. Flat in all directions. Hot as the miserable time of Summer in California, only with 200% humidity on top of that! I mean at 10:30pm the other night it was storming, raining in sheets, lightning and thunder, and close to 90 degrees! How miserable is that?! Thank you Lord for giving us air-conditioning!!

Well, I am feeling better than when I first arrived here. This is a good thing. I'm still not sleeping the best, I will have to figure something out for that. But overall I am doing better.

Hopefully soon I will be able to get to work on the graphics. I have been here for several days already and have had nothing to do for most of that time. Boooooring! I found out once I got here that they had sent me out here too early. Probably a week too early. But oh well, they are paying me to sit on my haunches and do nothing.

"Worked" a whole day yesterday. I do use the term loosely. "Worked" I mean. I really accomplished very little. Thus why I am writing this as I sit waiting for the morning meeting that is close to an hour away. What to do, what to do.

Oh well. Have a nice day and I will try also.

Where ever you go, there you are. At least think you are....What would I know about it, I'm not you!!

Insight..

There are times when one can have a view, a glimpse into another person's life. Given that perspective we can have many different reactions.

One reaction can be disgust with the person, depending on what perspective we are given. Another could be sorry at the endurance that the person must bear. Another could be compassion for the person whose life we glimpse that small view of, even if for just one moment. In all of these, the one thing in common is that we have learned. We have seen life from a perspective that is not usually our own.

Of course there is one other possible scenario in all of this, and it is perhaps the most sad one of all. This is when we sit in utter despair for ourselves. So consumed with our own "suffering" about what is not "normal" to us, we miss our time to glean a bit of knowledge on how someone else does it, how someone else copes, how well we have it when things are, in what we ourselves define as "normal".

I've had this experience many times in life and I will say that I have been in on each of these roads, yes, even the last sad one.

Of course of late I have had the unusual experience of being the object of the perspective. I've been the one whose life is being looked at, at least one aspect of it. And I ma sad to report that the person who had the insight into a struggle which haunts me daily, at this point in time, is moving down the road of the last.

You see what they are experiencing is something that will not last, and if things get really hard for them, they can get out. But what many tend not to think of or consider is the fact that the person that must continue in this struggle, like me, has no hope of every switching medicines, getting the right pair of glasses, or what ever other solution may present itself to those just visiting my struggle for a time. Instead of appreciating the struggle that we must fight through every day, they blindly and as quickly as they can, move back to that place where they are comfortable. They leave behind the opportunity to place value on the struggle. Instead it becomes an annoyance and "burden" for them that I, or we as the case may be, continue to struggle with it.

But ultimately, what can I do? What can I, as the object of the "study" do? Well, I can learn and make sure that I don't retrace the steps of the person who refused to learn.

Appreciate the struggles of others, even when you may see them as silly, weak, or otherwise. Remember, at one point in your life, you most likely struggled with the very thing that has become, or has been for a long while the thorn in the flesh of the person you are "tolerating.

Jobs, jobs, jobs.....

Well I am anxiously awaiting to hear if I have a local position with Verizon. I am really hoping that God will answer our prayers and allow me to be local instead of having to travel for work.


- Anim8or4Christ

iPod Blogging

So I am trying something new. Ok, I'm trying to blog from my iPod. Not really thrilled with the fact I can't type in the landscape mode. But so far the correction for the typing is doing a pretty sweet job of getting almost everything I really want on here.


-- Post From My iPhone

Dear God....

Dear God,

First off, let me ask the question of “where the heck have you been”!? You know for the last two years or so, really more, my family and I have experienced one hardship after another and it seems to me that you have gotten to the point where you don’t seem to care anymore. What’s the deal?

We were in California for quite some time and at first it seemed like you wanted us out there, but I have to wonder why. Why would you want us in a place where suffering and pain are our buddies and depression always seems to be coming to visit?! We had friends and family totally abandon us, we had people take advantage of us and ultimately, those folks that were staying with us, when they left, they stole all our food for crying out loud! They didn’t pay any rent, they had free internet, at our expense, free food, and I even fixed their stuff without ever asking for anything in return. They came to stay for 10 days and ended up staying for months! It was miserable! And you just sat there and let it happen! WHY?! Where were you?

Now we move out here, again thinking you’re in control, you know what you’re doing and we trusted you. For the last four months I struggled to find a job, for four months you did nothing! We were a part of what we thought was a great church, but then all the problems started. Not only did that church reject my friends, but they openly would contradict your word and had no clue how to discipline anyone! It was chaos! We ended up leaving in the way we thought you wanted us to leave, again thinking we were following your will, and yet no one EVER contacted us again! They said they were our friends regardless of what happened….what a bunch of liars! Then my mom finds out she has breast cancer and has to suffer through the pain of surgery and recovery. Of course she still get’s to face kemo-thearpy, oh that sounds like fun, but where are you in all of this? Why did you let that happen? Why did you have to allow my family to suffer so?

I’m tired, I’m downright sick and tired of being abuses, used, and thrown away when supposedly, your people, are through with me and my family! So, here’s to you God, great job! Good thinking with the whole moving thing and oh, I have to admit, turning the entire family, well most of it, against us was just a great addition to the already painful wounds we suffered. Yeah, that worked out to some great salt in the wound there!

Oh yes, and having to leave our pets with a total stranger out there right at the end really helped everyone look forward to the move out here in to “no-man’s land” Colorado!

Thanks for nothing!

Sincerely,
Peter’s Flesh


P.S.

We grabbed this letter before Flesh could mail it so we could put in what we needed to as well.

Hey God, this is Peter’s soul here and I just wanted to make sure that you understood that Mr. Flesh there doesn’t speak for the rest of us here. Conscience, Spirit and I thought it might be a good idea to add to the letter and let you know what our observations have been.

First off let me say that it has been a trial, and it has seemed like one after another. Sometimes the world can seem like an incredibly cruel and lonely place. When we were going through the events of the last few years I will be honest there were times that we did not see your hand, but always had the hope and assurance that it was there. AS far as the state of the word itself, we know that it’s fallen and as you said, “it rains on the righteous and the unrighteous”. I will admit it’s not the nicest prospect, but seems to be logical and ultimately just.

During our time in California that Flesh seemed to be so eloquently referring to, we did have some hard and difficult times with family and friends. But looking back I can see your hand moving through the events time and time again. You taught us about boundaries, you gave me the strength to say “no” and to stand up for my family even when it would have been easier to sit and let things happen, as I have to admit I have done many times in the past.

You showed us that we should rely on you and only you. Through you we get our value, our definition, our purpose and meaning. I can’t get that through a job, through friends or even through family. You showed me the value of focus, you showed me how to not compromise on the values and ethics that I believe so strongly in and that you have taught me.

You used these miserable people to show us the value and joy we can have in our family as a unit. You showed me just how good of a job I am able to do with you in my life and how wonderful a family you have given me. You have shown me through this time of trial what a wonderful, gracious and patient God you are. You also showed me that justice is not always something I should be seeking and that grace is the prime goal of what a “real” disciple of Christ should be.

You showed us, granted the hard way because of OUR choices, how to love those who are, in the world’s opinion, unlovable. Through the hardships and loss you showed us how much we really have, just in you and each other as a family unit.

I know that many have told me that this is not important and that you may not see this of any value, but I know better. Through your word you have revealed to me that what I see as important in life, you value and see as important as well. Those things that affect my heart effect yours as well. Leaving the dogs we had was a painful thing, I will admit that. But I know it was for the best and since I know, through an email we received from the new owner, that they are doing well and it has worked out to be a good home for them.

We know that the world is a fallen one, as I had mentioned before, and we know that it’s not “your will” that my mother has breast cancer, but I do know that you are the great physician and that “all things work for the good” for those of us who are your children. I know you are here and I know you are holding my mother in your arms and loving her through this whole trial. No matter what the "reason", if there really needs to be one with the world the way it is, I trust you and will rely on you for my strength, and her's as we weather this storm.

Granted we have other struggles and Flesh does get in the way from time to time. Right now we are having the whole debate on the fact that you CAN do anything but WILL you do anything….you know how that goes. I say that you already have done so much that it’s overwhelming; Flash just wants to focus on all the negative problems and trials, instead of looking at the outcome. You never said we wouldn’t have trials or problems, but as keep reminding Flesh, you DID promise that the outcome would be good. He is relentless!

So, in deference to Flesh’s assessment and opinion on the matter, we thank you for the difficulties, trials and hardships and thank you for your grace, mercy and patience which ultimately was sufficient for us through this trying time. We know that you will be here with us through whatever the future holds. Please forgive us for allowing Flesh to rear his ugly head from time to time. He just seems to be able to get out of that grave we keep putting him in with the “old man”. We were going to have a funeral for him, but figured nobody would come. And anyone who would come to it wouldn’t be worth inviting anyway! LOL!

Right now we have Flesh locked in a coffin using bands of love, forgiveness, grace and mercy. We also caulked up all the open cracks with hope and assurance, just for good measure. I know he will figure out some way of getting back out, but well be ready for him. Forgive us for what he says and does at times. Conscience says he will work with Holy Spirit to let us know when he’s back.

Thanks again for your incredible sacrifice that changed the world, and more importantly changed me heart and allowed me the opportunity to write this to you.

Also, as you know, this fight will most likely go on and on, sometimes we will get the chance to write something, other times Flesh will get his way and some pretty nasty things will go out to you. Either way, thanks for your grace and mercy during those times.

Love you!

- Peter ( Soul – you know us all! Including that jerk Flesh….. )

Thinking . . . . But God....

There are times I absolutely marvel at the way life goes and what happens.

I could be very angry, depressed, hopeless and catatonic.

In a world where cancer comes and visits that family for the third time,
where jobs are so scarce that very few have them around me,
where hope toys with one's emotions and dreams and slaps you in the face over and over...

It's tough to continue to fight through, to continue to hope, continue to dream, to allow one's self to look forward to anything at all. I have for so long been in "survival" mode I have forgotten how to hope and dream like I used to. Depression has been a companion of mine...

But God...

I look back and I see Him working in my life.

I went without income for three months, but I had shelter, food and family.

I went for a long time living around those who had it out for me time and time again, yet I still have friends who care and family who loves me.

I went for a long time with no church home, yet I still had God's love in my heart and His word to guide me.

I have an amazing wife who loves me, in spite of me at times. I have two incredible daughters that make me proud.

Even though I have had a hard time of late, I have to say that God is good, all the time, no matter what and I have so much to be thankful for and so many reason, even though many are carnal, to be faithful and trusting of Him.

Thank you Lord for saving me, my family and many of my friends. Those who aren't saved, work on 'em!

Hanging in there....

I am trying hard to not be anxious. Here I am on the edge of the possibility of a new job, that could be close to the "perfect" job for me. It has so far, everything I have been looking for in a job. I'm nervous as I wait to find out whether they will even be considering me out of however many people they have had apply, or have found. I don't know what my competition is, what is reasonable as far as salary goes, or what all is expected of me as far as travel in concerned. I know I would be flying out from time to time for meetings and such, but outside of that I don't know what's expected.

I have several questions, that I will ask if I am interviewed and asked to come on.

My biggest problem is not knowing what's going on. When I don't have a ll the facts, I worry, I get tentative, and I stress out. I know I shouldn't but I do anyway.

Well, I will continue on just "being" until I hear something. I guess I should just keep praying and hoping that this is the job and that it will be a blessing to me.

What the HECK!?!?

Okay, I am getting more than a little pissed!

Okay, I find out that my wife's grandfather just died and his side of the family had no intention of telling anyone. What a bunch of mindless jerks! This was the last of her grandparents, she has none alive anymore, even on my side they are all gone.

Let's couple this with the fact I still can't get a job and we are going on the third month!

Then we add in to the mix my mother found two lumps in her breast and the doctor confirmed that they were there. The doctor stated she should not lose any sleep over it and they would be doing a biopsy on Tuesday next week....but come on, breast cancer runs in her family, thus in mine!

Now let's get back to the whhole job thing. I have on my computer several sofware programs that I use on a regular basis. They are left overs from the places i have worked and they are professional grade. They just went nuts and are not working properly. . . . why not. . . . .

Without these programs I will be unable to edit or produce any more portfolio pieces. I think I am going to crawl under my bed and cry for a bit.

All of this, along with a bunch of other stuff, keeps making me want to question whether I was really supposed to move out here or not. I don't know......well, yes I do, at least I thought I did.

Why do we need to go through all of this again?! WHY?! How much more are we supposed to lose before it's enough?

My heart aches.

Employment Woes...........

Okay, I need to know what is the deal? Here we have the economy going ape over the next president coming in when the exact opposite should be happening based upon what I kept hearing from the supporters of Obama. What's the deal?!

I am unemployed right now because I had to move out of state and even after my "employer" stated that we would be able to work things out since I worked remote for 99% of the time, they didn't want to work with me do here I sit.

I have most of my family and I's belongings in storage, which we have no income to pay for, we have a car that we have no income to pay on, and we have phones that will be going dark later this month! I have sent out and contacted over twenty different agencies, businesses and corporations and yet only three, yes only three, have had the decency to call me back or contact me in any way to let me know they are not interested.

Now I find that a company I used to work for has a position that I could easily fill, but they have a "client" that has a certain person in mind for them to hire for the position. I may not get consideration because this company wants to comit a crime and hire someone that the "client" wants there! Yes, it's illegal and WRONG! But what can I, the lowly consumer and unemployed person do?

I have tried to get other jobs that are out of my area of expertise, but I get the same response from all of them......."Over-qualified".......... This stinks!

So what am I to do?

Dispair...

Lord be my refuge in this time of weary anguish.

Lord be my strength in this time of woe.

Please guide me and make my heart steadfast on you so that I will not slip into the abyss that so many times has claimed me. I feel my heart dropping and my eyes fill with tears.

I feel my whole being slowly dieing in a mass of depression and shame. I fell as a failure, as nothing again, my accomplishments are nothing, they lay waste before me in a pile of regret and lies. Or is it failure, or just that I can not see what you see at your vantage point?

I try but my attempts go unrealized, I fight against the coming threat of sadness, but I am weak. I have cried out many times, but I feel the wall once again rising between us and your voice once again fading into a whisper that is slowly strangled by my own despair and exhaustion.

I thought this was where you wanted me, I thought I was following the open doors, but maybe I am a fool, maybe I see openings where there are none. Maybe I am so wrong that I can fail at a moment's notice into a pit that only you could remove me.

I am fighting the regrets, seeing what I thought as right to be wrong. The "maybe's" overrun my mind with thoughts of foolishness.

Why? There is a question that haunts me, that drills on my head finding soft and new skin to penetrate and scar. I feel the pain of it's sting even now as I ponder what I have done. Have I failed you, have I failed my family? Will we once again find ourselves in the pit that we have escaped from, only with your help, several times before. This time, my fault, my lack of wisdom has brought us here.

Lord, help me. Please, help US.

If I need to fall, let it not hit my family. I despise what I see in the mirror. Why am I here? Why did I bring my family here? Why did I think I could be what I am not?

What am I to do?

Help, please.......

Well.....yikes!

Well folks, it's been decided. Today starts the end of my so-called career at CGi and begins the search for other employment. If it's not one thing, it's three others.

My paycheck was supposed to come yesterday, but I was giving it to today in order for the mail to deliver something late. No go...not there. This has happened before.

I was told that I am one of the 5% of my company that chooses to recieve a "physical check" instead of a direct deposit. Why, I know you're wanting to ask, would I want to do that? It's so much easier to do a direct deposit, it' simple and reliable. You know, I did have direct deposit for over a year with this company. Then through a series of errors, mess ups and chaos we ended up losing an entire paycheck to the bank. Unfortunately these were not OUR mess ups, errors and we were not the authors of the chaos....that I owe to my beloved company and EX-bank. Or I should say bankS. Anyway, it's a long story and to get to the point of it, we decided that we could not afford to have the direct deposit because it was costing us just way too much. I know, you're saying that was an isolated event and doesn't justify the refusal to have direct deposit.....well I simply didn't metion the additional $1200 that the bank ended up, in my opionon, stealing from our account to cover some "supposed" fees, balances and fines that came about from the previous actions and general idiocy of the affor metioned banks.

So now we have our second journey in the adventure of not having the check come when it is supposed to come. Big surprise, no, not really. Why? Well it happened before and according to my company's fictitious policy that they enacted to cover thier own butt and cause enough pain for anyone without direct deposit to want it again, they will do nothing about late checks for eight to ten days AFTER the chek was to be delivered. Yep, they make me wait. It's thier problem, it's thier fault and I get to wait. Did I finally get a check from them, yes. Did I EVERY recieve the original check, NO!!

So here we go again. Unfortunately in the corporate world a person in my position isn't worth anything at all. I am what most corporate executive would call "a dime a dozen".....even though I know of only one other person in the entire comapny that has something close to the capabilities I have. ONE! Yet I am not worth anything to them because I am not doing what they would "prefer" me to do! Is there some rule that says I HAVE to do it - No! Seems to me based on the evidence they are trying to FORCE me to do it, just so I can recieve the pay that I have worked for on time.

I tell you, I am so tired of the nazi-like attitude of the corporation, it makes me sick!

So, I am now out there, beating the street.....well the internet, looking for a new job. I hope I can find one soon. And hopefully we will still have a car come Tuesday morning. .

Have a great day!

Sick of being sick....

Texting and email can be wonderful and accurate tools for tracking and communicating information. They can also be the worst communication tool in the world when applied to important and emotional communication.

I know, I keep using that word....communication. But really that's what email, texting, videos and music really comes down to, right? No one, except for those blasted spammers out there, send any information, whichever way they choose to disseminate it, for no reason. They are trying to communicate. These people are trying to relay information from one place to another.

Now, some....no, unfortunately many, many people out there misconstrue email and texting for an effective tool to be used to communicate information that should only be delivered in person or over the phone. Why? Let's try using Mr. Brain for a change and think before we react, shall we?

I have some news that I know is going to cause an emotional reaction and have a profound impact on the realtionship I have with Mr. X. Now what I should do is pick up my phone and call Mr. X and realy the information in as delacately a fashion as I can listening to the tones of his voice and making sure he understands that what I am saying doesnt need to impact our relationship in any way. But no, what I do is break out the microscopic keyboard on my phone and type with my thumbs a short and sweet message to Mr. X outlining the facts of the situation. I mean no malice on my part, I am simply trying to relay the information. Now I send the message and I wait. Hmmm, this is taking a long time, why hasn't he responded back, what is he thinking? And thus the thinking starts on my end about the situation, playing scenarios of doom in my head so that when his response comes back it hits me like a ton of bricks!

His response is: "Thank you for telling me that.".......that's it? That's all? I see what's happening, he's judging me, he's rejecting me, he doesn't like me anymore.

On the other end of the message Mr. X sits in stunned silence mulling over what this may mean to our realtionship and hopes that it will not adversely effect it. He didn't know how to respond so he responded in as generic a way as he could. He has a lot of emotional baggage he has to wade through and this news has caused a lot of the negative past to rise to show it's ugly head.

Meanwhile I am fuming and feeling guilty so I send another message: "So, I guess this means you're done with me?!" Mr. X responds in kind and we go back and forth....soon there is nothing left but scars that can't be healed and the end of a realtionship, all because I couldn't get off my lazy ass and use my voice for a friggin' change!

I know, you're thinking this is silly, this is stupid, no one would ever do that!

Wise up and start smelling what your shovelling. This has not only happened, it happens every day! Relationships end, fights start, misinterpretations run rampant, and we still insist on using text and email as a viable way to communicate emotion. What a farce!

You may be thinking, well obviously you don't have that problem being so articulate like you have been in this article. You seem to have relayed the emotional state you're in pretty well. May be, but you will notice that it has taken me a few more letters than the traditional 160 that you get for texting....by the way, that 160 includes spaces....

Take it from a person who has witnessed this first hand one too many times of late. Use your voice, not your thumbs when communicating important or emotional information. If you're asking what someone is up to, that's pretty safe. If you're telling them that they are no longer going to be hanging out with them, get some balls and use your voice!

Have a nice day! :)

Too short.....

Life is too short and God is too good to take for granted even one moment of the time we are given.

Every second that goes by will never be seen again.

Every moment that is lost, can never be reclaimed.

What do we do with our moments, not our lives, but our moments. That is what life consists of, moments. We don't really have a "lifetime", we only have the moment we live in and the memory of the past. We live with the hope that comes in Christ, the faith that comes from belief, but we must still only live in the moment. Even faith without works, without actions, is nothing.